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They say old habits are hard to break, and last night this suddenly seemed too true. With the help of alcohol, guards came crashing down, only to be replaced with behaviours I thought had disappeared for good. It was like the past four months hadn't even happened. All my musings about change and growth didn't mean a thing. I tested and played and broke winning streaks and turned my back and disappointed and worried and regretted and said too much and said too little and didn't really say much at all.

"It's not you. It's me and something I have to figure out on my own."

Those words couldn't be more true. But is self-recognition "figuring out"? And is figuring out enough? How can self-awareness lead to change? Real change this time around. The past is a scary thing, especially when you see it begin to repeat itself again.

Let's just rewind and hit the pause button and stay in that sort of happy calm always where the picture is sort of fuzzy and you don't know what comes after just what comes now.