here comes the sun

I once walked into the rain and saw him for the first time and it is raining today but a year ago it was snowing and he was walking out of my life and I out of his for the last time.

I said don't go and he said I have to and I gripped his hand harder than I ever had before and I said but I love you and he said I can't do this and then he said I have to go and then the door opened and then it closed and that was the last time I saw him.

I woke up and felt as though everything and everyone was breaking and I was crumbling along with it all but I parted my hair in the middle anyways and told myself it was time to stop hiding and I went about my day but I did not eat once and I laughed and I sent too many questions and never got any answers and I walked home at night and sobbed the entire way.

One whole year later I woke up and forgot what today is and I felt mostly happy and hopeful but then it was grey and raining and I felt slightly overcast myself and then work was awful and I kept asking myself what I'm doing there and then it kept raining and before I knew it I was crying and running to the washroom and drying my eyes and then before I knew it again I was walking my city and thinking how it wasn't so awful outside after all and then I was laughing and then I was walking some more and I was so content that when I remembered what today isI could only think how today is so much better than that today a year ago.

truth

And this is how revelations are made:

Before the drinks start flowing, you tell yourself to be strong this time around and to put away that phone and focus on the here and now as opposed to the what is and may be. The clock strikes 12:30, and you are still being true to your word, and you feel both happy and sad doing so. But but then a friend calls and tells you to meet her at a bar and that he is there and suddenly you are just happy because you didn't break your promise but you are still going to see him and you are going to see him in your new favourite outfit and you are going to waltz right into that bar and toss your hair back and pause upon recognition and say "oh! hi."

But the plan changes when you realize you've never waltzed anywhere and so you walk in like you always do and you pause in recognition and you say "oh" but never "hi" because he is there alright but he is there leaning against a wall with a girl you don't know and he is leaning in too close and his back is to you and then you watch as he touches her shoulder and you can only whisper "oh."

And then you think the plan might change back when he spots you later and gives you a hug and asks how you are. But this hug is the worst hug you've ever received because it is followed by you watching as grabs this girl you don't know and holds her close and kisses her kisses her in the middle of the bar and for you to see. And if there was or could ever be any doubt left, you are slapped across the face by it when he passes you on the sidewalk holding her very hand and doesn't even pause in recognition.

Yes, the boy is awful but this is not the revelation to be made. No. The revelation comes the next morning when you wake and the sun is shining so bright and it is so warm it feels like the first day of spring and not the last day of fall and you can't even bother wasting one ounce of sadness on this awful boy. You are surprised that after two months of whatever you were, you don't miss him one bit or feel any trace of anything for what was and what ended. Instead. You feel free. And you run into the past that day, too, and the past still affects you all this time later and this is when the real and true revelation hits. No. You aren't in love with the past but you still love the way the past made (makes?) you feel and you realize you have been floating unaffected through the past few months and the awful boys these past few months brought and you haven't been affected for real since the past was the present and it was winter and you were walking together and you finally believe you deserve to feel that way again.

dreams

Players only love you when they're playing.

Truth.

true love will find you in the end

If I was brave, I would roll over and say "Brunch" just like that and without a question mark or two because of course he would say yes because where else would he want to be.

No questions. Only definites.

If I remembered who I was, I wouldn't let him walk out that door at five am because he would never have been here to begin with because I deserve a spoon and a shiver or two and a good morning hello.

If I was smart, I would stop chasing boys who don't want to be caught and I would stop believing I'm the one to catch them and I would be okay alone at night.

If it was a year ago, he'd be here and he wouldn't be leaving at five am and he would stay all morning and we'd make spoons and criss cross applesauce and he'd make brunch without me even rolling over to ask and at night we would huddle together under covers and lights and read our own stories with hands rested on each other's knees and it would be simple and perfect and he'd look over and his eyes would be shining and he'd say "Sweetums, I love you" and I'd believe it because I knew he meant it without a doubt and despite what may have been said or felt earlier because his look was so true and we were reading under covers and he put down his comic just to reach over to hug me hello and he'd open his arms so wide in those greetings and there was so much love inbetween those arms that it swallowed me so fully and so whole sometimes and I was so happy I could hardly breathe.

True love will find me in the end?

yellow leaves

Because this song is beautiful and what I imagine nostalgia to sound like, and because it's been exactly one year since I roamed this city for the perfect pieces to complete a perfect costume in the hopes of restoring a perfect love. I wanted to be his personal superhero and I felt I was when he turned to me on the walk home and asked "What should we dress up as next year?" like it was the most simple question because of course there would be a next year, and a next year after that, and another next next next always and forever.

Because every next slipped away three weeks later and now a year has passed and I cannot even remember how it feels to wrap myself around the promise of a next and breathe in the comforts of its taken-for-granted-simplicity. He's a faraway past, and there are no superheroes this Halloween, and there are boys still, and these are boys who may be the next in line and the next right now, but will never carry with them the next morning, or the next weekend, or the next call, or the next perfect look shot during a walk home down a neon lit city street.

Because the leaves outside my window have somehow become yellow again and I do not know where this year went and because no boy has looked at me quite that way in exactly one year and because I don't know what comes next and I don't know if I even want a next but I do know I would like a boy who replies and because he's become a year ago and because this song is beautiful.

new york, i'm going to love you again

Tomorrow my favourite city and I will be reunited and I will feel the tiniest and I will walk the streets like I know where I'm going and I will strut along like I belong there and I will jump and snap and freeze frame the moments and wonder and guess what waits for me in Toronto when I finally return.

And before all this leaving began, this is what mattered.

hi

This space has been empty for too long because I've been elsewhere (really!) and not because there are no words left because there are actually too many (really!). The past few weeks have been a rush of stasis turning into movement multiplied by a thousand. I went from jobless and unsure to employed and a little less unsure for the time being. I missed a boy I shouldn't and then I missed another boy I also shouldn't and now I don't know who (or what) I miss. I watched my city burst orange and red and I saw the days cool and darken sooner and sooner than before and I felt my spirits sink more and more each and every time. But I ate pumpkin pie four days in a row and I warmed my belly with turkey and stuffing and I danced in the kitchen with my four year old cousin in my arms and I felt a little orange and red inside myself. I went east and I'm packing to head slightly south and I still pinch myself because I can't believe I've been lucky enough to see this much this year. And today I wore a cap and robe and walked across a stage and shook hands and fully closed this chapter and realized I did it alone in the best possible way.