a whiter shade of pale

Let's go back to a whiter shade of pale and a time when boys always walked you home only to walk you home. And let's go back to that time when boys always called to get to know you and didn't ask "u" all those important questions over t9. And let's especially go back to a time when boys didn't swear at you and only called too late at night and never for brunch.

don't i know you better than the rest?

Time flies and it flew and suddenly it's almost winter again. I know that days and weeks and months and whole seasons passed, and feelings changed, and memories were misremembered, and everything burst green and blue before fading and falling away again, but last night I stepped outside and thought the fog was snow and the sight was only all kinds of familiar and no sorts of surprising.

Spring and summer were spent lost and in school, and fall was spent away, and so the reappearance of winter doesn't feel so much like a reappearance but rather like a reunion after a weekend apart. That tiger is back and glowing brighter than ever and he's guiding me home like all those times before and winter is not mine but this city is and it never feels more like home than in the winter.

When I think of this house and this street and all those other streets, too, everything and everyone and everywhere appears against a backdrop of the whitest snow and the brightest sun bouncing off that white snow or against a navy sky and one yellow moon. Maybe it's because so much growing and changing and losing and gaining were condensed into this season one year ago. Maybe. I feel like everything that mattered and that I can even begin to express can be traced back to this time in this city and so maybe that is why winter feels like home to me.

But as familiar as winter is, I realized how much has changed since a year ago when I passed him on the street this weekend with a new girl hanging off his arm in a way I never did. He looked away before I could realize who he was and what was happening, and I may have cried on what felt like the longest walk home, but it all cemented that he is past is past is past and it is a new winter and that winter was before and this winter is now. And last week I hung off another arm but that's all it was when last winter it would have been so much more.

when i'm with you

I have too many words and not enough time to spill them all. Tomorrow I will tell everything I felt today.

In the meantime, did you know my city went from green to burnt and beautiful?

here comes the sun

I once walked into the rain and saw him for the first time and it is raining today but a year ago it was snowing and he was walking out of my life and I out of his for the last time.

I said don't go and he said I have to and I gripped his hand harder than I ever had before and I said but I love you and he said I can't do this and then he said I have to go and then the door opened and then it closed and that was the last time I saw him.

I woke up and felt as though everything and everyone was breaking and I was crumbling along with it all but I parted my hair in the middle anyways and told myself it was time to stop hiding and I went about my day but I did not eat once and I laughed and I sent too many questions and never got any answers and I walked home at night and sobbed the entire way.

One whole year later I woke up and forgot what today is and I felt mostly happy and hopeful but then it was grey and raining and I felt slightly overcast myself and then work was awful and I kept asking myself what I'm doing there and then it kept raining and before I knew it I was crying and running to the washroom and drying my eyes and then before I knew it again I was walking my city and thinking how it wasn't so awful outside after all and then I was laughing and then I was walking some more and I was so content that when I remembered what today isI could only think how today is so much better than that today a year ago.

truth

And this is how revelations are made:

Before the drinks start flowing, you tell yourself to be strong this time around and to put away that phone and focus on the here and now as opposed to the what is and may be. The clock strikes 12:30, and you are still being true to your word, and you feel both happy and sad doing so. But but then a friend calls and tells you to meet her at a bar and that he is there and suddenly you are just happy because you didn't break your promise but you are still going to see him and you are going to see him in your new favourite outfit and you are going to waltz right into that bar and toss your hair back and pause upon recognition and say "oh! hi."

But the plan changes when you realize you've never waltzed anywhere and so you walk in like you always do and you pause in recognition and you say "oh" but never "hi" because he is there alright but he is there leaning against a wall with a girl you don't know and he is leaning in too close and his back is to you and then you watch as he touches her shoulder and you can only whisper "oh."

And then you think the plan might change back when he spots you later and gives you a hug and asks how you are. But this hug is the worst hug you've ever received because it is followed by you watching as grabs this girl you don't know and holds her close and kisses her kisses her in the middle of the bar and for you to see. And if there was or could ever be any doubt left, you are slapped across the face by it when he passes you on the sidewalk holding her very hand and doesn't even pause in recognition.

Yes, the boy is awful but this is not the revelation to be made. No. The revelation comes the next morning when you wake and the sun is shining so bright and it is so warm it feels like the first day of spring and not the last day of fall and you can't even bother wasting one ounce of sadness on this awful boy. You are surprised that after two months of whatever you were, you don't miss him one bit or feel any trace of anything for what was and what ended. Instead. You feel free. And you run into the past that day, too, and the past still affects you all this time later and this is when the real and true revelation hits. No. You aren't in love with the past but you still love the way the past made (makes?) you feel and you realize you have been floating unaffected through the past few months and the awful boys these past few months brought and you haven't been affected for real since the past was the present and it was winter and you were walking together and you finally believe you deserve to feel that way again.

dreams

Players only love you when they're playing.

Truth.

true love will find you in the end

If I was brave, I would roll over and say "Brunch" just like that and without a question mark or two because of course he would say yes because where else would he want to be.

No questions. Only definites.

If I remembered who I was, I wouldn't let him walk out that door at five am because he would never have been here to begin with because I deserve a spoon and a shiver or two and a good morning hello.

If I was smart, I would stop chasing boys who don't want to be caught and I would stop believing I'm the one to catch them and I would be okay alone at night.

If it was a year ago, he'd be here and he wouldn't be leaving at five am and he would stay all morning and we'd make spoons and criss cross applesauce and he'd make brunch without me even rolling over to ask and at night we would huddle together under covers and lights and read our own stories with hands rested on each other's knees and it would be simple and perfect and he'd look over and his eyes would be shining and he'd say "Sweetums, I love you" and I'd believe it because I knew he meant it without a doubt and despite what may have been said or felt earlier because his look was so true and we were reading under covers and he put down his comic just to reach over to hug me hello and he'd open his arms so wide in those greetings and there was so much love inbetween those arms that it swallowed me so fully and so whole sometimes and I was so happy I could hardly breathe.

True love will find me in the end?