baby it's cold outside

I woke up today to a blanket of snow outside and a big hole inside. For the slightest of seconds you can forget, but then everything is numb again once the sleep fades. You look in the mirror and don't recognize that person. And you know things will be better, everyone keeps telling you so, but this morning it just doesn't seem so.

pretty baby

"The sky was the colour of honey. 'I love you,' he said. On the snow was a bouquet of roses. He put his arms around me. I climbed into his young chest occupying the place of his heart."

It's much too cold and dark ouside already, and perhaps one of those sun lamps Martha was talking about will help, but in the meantime I have a Peanuts Christmas to look forward to, and the smell of pine needles, and much planned baking, and fondue parties, and home made wine to consume, and lovely passages like this to stumble upon.

ruby tuesday

It's becoming that time of year where you find yourself sitting alone in your room at 5pm, and you are shaking and you don't know if its because the heat isn't working quite properly yet or if it isn't that simple, if you can't really find stillness with one phone call, and every light in your room is on, and you know that is wasteful but you don't care because you need some light to offset the blackness greeting you outside your window.

two blocks

The past caught up with me in a big way last weekend. Approaching the grocery store on Sunday night, I almost froze as I caught sight of what I thought to be a familiar angle of a familiar face. Wanting to be the bigger person this time around, I walked towards this almost-ghost, both determined and shaking with every step.

But just as I was about to say my hello (whatwouldisayandwhatwouldhesay?), I caught sight of a different angle and suddenly couldn't tell if it was him or not. And because I was at a loss, in more ways than one, I kept on walking instead of finding out if my memories still served me correctly.

I still don't know if my eyes were playing tricks on me or if two years really can make me forget the previous five. And either way, I still don't know what I would have said. Maybe just "How are you? I hope things are well," because I really do wish that was true.

autumn sweater

fall isn't so bad after all.

bring on the cheer

The other morning I woke up from a dream (nightmare?) about grad school with real tears streaming down my face. Fo' reals. Brian was sleeping, unaware of the trembling panic-stricken girlfriend lying beside him.

The other night I stumbled around the streets of Toronto in what can only be compared to a night shared with the wombmate several years ago. The "art" is all a blur, and I can't quite remember what was said, but I had on the loveliest and warmest red sweaterjacket (hello fall!), and the boy by my side, and it really was quite perfect.

you're not the kind that has to tell me about the birds and the bees

Fall announced its presence stronger than ever on Sunday evening as I strolled along College, shivering the entire time. I soon learned that my jacketless nights were well over, and that skirts without tights was just plain stupid, and that the sun would no longer help lift my spirits as I trudged home after night class next week. It may just be me, but it seems as though we've skipped over October and gone straight to November weather. I know little autumn hats really are quite precious, but since when have they been practical on the first of October? And has it always been this dark outside this soon?

For those who know me well, they know that the oncoming of fall, and in turn, the inevitable oncoming of winter, do not go over well in my books. My spirits sink. My steps drag. My shoulders slouch. (Alright, I may be being a tad dramatic, but when am I not? And how can I not be dramatic when I suddenly must carry jacket in tow wherever I go?)

But as my posture goes to shambles, I can only hope that this fall will be different than the past four. I can only hope and be this optimistic because I am finallyfinallyfinally in my favourite city for all these change in colours and temperatures. It can't be all bad. The city will still sparkle against an early sunset and a chilly wind. And even if it doesn't, I have to believe it so.